“What surprises people most when they first move here?” I asked my friend Gabrielle — Gaye, for short — as we lingered over late-morning coffee in one of Seville’s back street cafés this week. Having moved from the US to Spain in 1963, marrying a Sevillano, and raising a family here, Gaye has been my go-to expert in cultural matters ever since we met in book club two decades ago. “That people take children everywhere, even late at night to bars,” she answered promptly. I had to laugh, thinking how often I’d fielded the horrified questions “What is that little kid doing in a bar? At this hour?” You’d think we were frequenting an opium den or particularly sordid brothel instead of a café-bar where somebody’s grandmother was cooking a late supper in the back. “My visitors freak out,” I told her, “when they see little kids running around playgrounds at midnight. They keep insisting children should be in bed at that hour, no matter how often I point out that in these sizzling temperatures they need to exercise when it won’t give them heatstroke.” Seville is the hottest city in continental Europe, with heat waves so severe meteorologists now name them, like hurricanes. For much of the year, it’s only sensible to siesta in the afternoon and venture out after dark. But it’s not easy to convince American guests that taking children to a playground at night is a practical necessity, not parental neglect. In vain do I point out that Spain is the most family friendly country in Europe, according to US News and World Report; worldwide it’s second only to New Zealand. The US was ranked an underwhelming 26th, just below Turkey and Thailand. Who are we to judge other people’s childrearing techniques? Letting go of our pre-conceived notions of How Things Are Supposed to Work is one of the first and most essential challenges expats and travelers must grapple with. We have to mentally unpack our bags and throw out great gobs of assumptions we’ve been carrying around for years. This makes room for fresh introspection and, with luck, greater clarity about who we are and what we’re doing in the world. And that, according to a recent report in the Harvard Business Review, is a very good thing. The Harvard report analyzed six studies involving 1,874 participants to see how living abroad affects people. Not surprisingly, the authors found it generally makes you more creative, tolerant, and competent. They zeroed in on something they called “self-concept clarity,” which means having a deeper, keener, and more consistent understanding of yourself. Apparently this quality blossoms during the expat experience and offers all sorts of benefits, such as boosting psychological well-being, job performance, and the ability to cope with stress. At the end of their report, the authors rather surprisingly included this lovely quote from Michael Crichton, “who captures the spirit of our research in his autobiographical book, Travels: ‘Often I feel I go to some distant region of the world to be reminded of who I really am … Stripped of your ordinary surroundings, your friends, your daily routines … you are forced into direct experience [which] inevitably makes you aware of who it is that is having the experience.’” You don’t need to move abroad to have more direct experiences, of course, but it helps. Everything around us is so new and interesting it’s easy to put away our cellphones and simply be here now (something the Buddhists have been advising for centuries). While Spaniards love digital devices as much as anyone, they use them considerably less. Spanish 18-to-24-year-olds are on their smartphones 3 hours and 40 minutes a day — which seemed a whopping number until I learned American youngsters are on them half their waking hours. One reason for the difference in cellphone use: Spanish families don’t assume kids will disappear into their rooms and their devices when relatives gather. Youngsters are expected to spend time with various generations of adults, holding up their end of the conversation, and giving grandparents proper attention and respect. (I know; what a concept!) But times, and Spanish families, are a-changing. For a start, the birthrate has dropped to 1.19 per woman, the lowest since record-keeping began in 1941. It was nearly triple that back in the 1960s and early 1970s, when birth control, abortion, and divorce were illegal, and the government and the Catholic Church promoted childbirth as a civic and spiritual duty. “During the Franco era,” Gaye recalled, “they used to give prizes for large families. Fourteen or fifteen kids, that wasn’t uncommon.” Spanish homes may be less crowded now, but they remain the cornerstone of the culture, and the matriarchs who run them often command serious respect. Today nearly half of Spanish women (47%) work outside the home, and more than half the parliamentary posts are held by women, giving the government “a marked feminist accent,” said Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez. Comparing modern Spain to the Franco era she first knew, Gaye said, “There’s more equality now. You can see it, for example, in the clothing. Clothes were much more expensive in the past, so there was a big difference in what was worn by the very well-to-do and by the working class. Now everyone dresses the same.” She gestured toward the window, where we could see people strolling past in the international uniform of jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers — a look equally at home anywhere from Seville to Singapore to San Francisco. “When I first came here,” she added, “women wore dresses or skirts — never pants except for sports or the beach. Blue jeans?” She glanced down at her denim-clad legs. “Never.” Nobody blends seamlessly into a new culture. I wore all the wrong stuff to all the most important occasions for years. I remember sitting next to the only other non-Spanish member of my painting class at a Christmas party, both of us hopelessly overdressed. She said with a sigh, “I will never get this right.” Maybe, but it does get better. And let’s face it, we provide our new Spanish friends with a lot of innocent amusement at our expense. Of course, the real guffaws come at the way we butcher the language. I’m reliably informed that nowadays my vocabulary is decent, my grammar occasionally shaky, and my accent appalling. Having made all the classic bloopers — using embarazada to indicate embarrassed when in fact it means pregnant, for instance — I have become nimble at delivering graceful apologies and quickly changing the subject. Learning a new language and culture creates countless opportunities for error, but also for reaching out to those around you for advice and assistance. You rely on the kindness of strangers every day and receive lifesaving support from neighbors, colleagues, and your fellow befuddled foreigners. Perhaps the biggest surprise of expat life comes the day that you realize you are no longer alone; the former strangers around you are fast becoming true amigos. THE AMIGOS PROJECT This post is part of my ongoing exploration of how living and traveling abroad can not only enrich our lives but help us learn how to avoid the isolation that's become a global epidemic. DON'T MISS OUT! If you haven't already, take a moment to subscribe so I can let you know when I publish my weekly posts. Just send me an email and I'll take it from there. [email protected] SUBSCRIBED BUT NOT GETTING POSTS? If you ever miss a post announcement, please check your spam folder. Internet security is in a frenzy these days. WANT MORE? My best selling travel memoirs & guide books Best of Cheap & Cheerful San Francisco Cozy Places to Eat in Seville GOING SOMEWHERE? Enter any destination or topic, such as packing light or road food, in the search box below. If I've written about it, you'll find it. 10/15/2024 09:49:49 pm
This was a great post! I wholeheartedly agree that living abroad not only expands your understanding of the world, but of yourself. While I lived in an English speaking country, I still dealt with a very different culture (and even some language faux pas). I never felt more myself (or more comfortable within myself) as I did then. I learned a lot about myself and the experience and knowledge I gained stay with me to this day. My life is richer because of it.
Karen K McCann
10/16/2024 05:11:20 pm
It's wonderful to hear you had such a positive experience living abroad, Shéa. It really does require us to step up in ways we never expected of ourselves. And as you point out, we learn and grow so much in the process. There's no education quite like it!
J.B. deRosset
10/15/2024 11:29:44 pm
Great pix of my older sister.
Karen K McCann
10/16/2024 05:11:41 pm
She is a very beautiful woman!
Randy Hulett
10/16/2024 02:43:29 am
Always a pleasure to read your musings and humorous associations, Karen. I was going to write a note even before Bison cameo-ed in one of the photos! Have fun out there.
Karen K McCann
10/16/2024 05:14:25 pm
Great to hear from you, Randy. Yes, I love this shot of Bison so totally enthralled by the game. I'm delighted to hear you're still reading and enjoying my posts; it was such fun having you guys here. My best to Sage and all the family.
Randy Hulett
10/16/2024 05:31:00 pm
We are hoping to visit old friends in Sevilla early next year. I hope we can grab a coffee with you and Rich. Keep up the good work!
Karen K McCann
10/16/2024 05:33:27 pm
We'd love to see you guys any time, Randy! Let us know when you're in town.
Larry Siegel
10/16/2024 10:53:08 am
Such a nice review of expat living in Seville, Karen. I should memorize the column for response to friends who are curious about our residence in Seville. Carol Ann and I have had the privilege of traveling and living in several foreign countries. Seville and Spain tops them all in terms of the kindness of local strangers, and the presence of a very diverse group of expats.
Karen K McCann
10/16/2024 05:20:07 pm
I am so glad you liked this post, Larry. There's no need to memorize it, you can always forward the link to friends who might be interested. I realize living abroad isn't for everyone; lots of my US friends think I'm completely nuts to live anywhere but America. But even after all these years Seville still feels like a grand adventure and I learn something new every day. I feel lucky to be here, and it sounds like you do too.
Karen Lesch
10/17/2024 07:35:34 pm
Karen, The Amigos Project is a brilliant idea. I am looking forward to further posts. I will be returning to Seville in April, but without Gary, Jane, and Stephen this time. However, I will be coming with another dear friend, Maureen, which will make it a whole new and equally wonderful experience.
Karen McCann
10/18/2024 05:03:15 pm
Delighted to hear you're coming back, Karen, and I know you'll enjoy showing Maureen around. From what I remember of your itinerary last time, you covered a lot of ground, and it will no doubt be good fun to see your favorite places again sharing the fresh perspective of someone who is discovering them for the first time. Sadly, I won't be in Seville at that time, but be sure to check my website for suggestions, especially my Cozy Places to Eat in Seville section. Have fun!
Elizabeth Upper
10/18/2024 06:40:31 am
How wonderful to be brought back to my beloved Sevilla! You're inspiring me to visit again next year. And, how lovely to see pictures of the beautiful Gaye, then and now! I've seen her comments here many times, and now can put her face with her name! Cheers to you both!
Karen McCann
10/18/2024 05:06:38 pm
So glad you're enjoying my Amigos Project posts, Elizabeth. And if they inspire you to make a return visit to Seville, that's wonderful. As you know, I love this city and its people. Gaye has been a support and inspiration to me from the start, and it was fun getting to share a little of her story here. Happy travels!
Elizabeth Upper
10/23/2024 07:22:40 am
Oooops, I think maybe it's Faye whose comments I've seen here often, not Gaye! What's one letter between friends?!? Anyway, Gaye is still beautiful, then and now.
Sherry
10/18/2024 09:40:09 am
Thank you for another amazing and thought provoking post (as always!). One of the things I love most about visiting Seville from the US is the family culture. I wish I had had the opportunity to raise my children there! While I notice children everywhere, I also notice the absence of the tantrums you see so much of here in the US. I feel like everyone is happier in Seville, no matter their age.
Karen McCann
10/18/2024 05:15:34 pm
I so agree, Sherry, that Seville's family-oriented culture is very refreshing. I can never decide if Sevillanos, especially the kids, are happier or just better behaved; either way it makes for a much more peaceful and relaxed atmosphere. I know the Spanish live longer than Americans (83.18 years vs the US 76.33), and I have often wondered if it's because of the lower stress. 10/23/2024 09:33:38 pm
Love your posts and have read your books. As a California native, and now full-time permanent Spanish resident (Altea) for 10+ years, I relate to your juxtapositions of the two countries. Interested in your Amigos Project. I love living here, but every country has surprising things. Planning on at least three trips to accomplish a bureaucratic task is one, as you well know. If I can help or participate, let me know how. Comments are closed.
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As my regular readers know, I never get free or discounted goods or services for mentioning anything on this blog (or anywhere else). I only write about things I find interesting and/or useful. I'm an American travel writer dividing my time between Seville, Spain, and California. I travel the world seeking eccentric people, quirky places, and outrageously delicious food so I can have the fun of writing about them here.
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