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Americans Would Never Say That!

8/13/2014

11 Comments

 
“So how much rent do you pay?” Spanish friends ask, not realizing that to Americans, providing specifics about our finances is as personal and taboo as giving the details of our most outlandish sex acts. “Who do you think is prettier, me or my daughter?” a Spanish hostess once asked, boxing me into an excruciating dilemma in which I’d have to insult one or the other to her face, something I’d been trained from childhood to avoid. A Seville hairdresser I was trying for the first time inquired, “Why don’t you have children?” Uh, could we go back to the one about how much I pay in rent?

​In Seville, such question are viewed as a sign of interest and a way to develop intimacy. Evasion is considered rude; diplomacy doesn’t cut it. It reminds me of when I was a teenager, and the social litmus test was whether you liked the Beatles (mainstream cool) or the Rolling Stones (wild and dangerous cool.) Everyone felt entitled to know where you stood on this vital issue.

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Mick Jagger, wicked teen heartthrob, back in the days when he still managed to look almost innocent.


Living in an international community, I am always stumbling over cultural divides where I least expect them. An Irish friend once said to me, clearly puzzled, “Karen, I get the impression you don’t like to get drunk.” I had to admit that I dislike it a great deal. At best I fall asleep before we get to dessert, at worst — and I’m going back quite a few years here — I find myself in a parking lot, throwing up on my new shoes, and then falling asleep. Not my idea of fun. But to my friend, among others, flamboyant drinking is considered a well-earned reward. As the Northern Irish footballer George Best put it, “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”
​
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Žilina, Slovakia; not a bad place to call home

In the small city of Žilina, Slovakia, my B&B host told me, “I was born here, raised here, married here, had my children here. And I will die here.” To me, this was an astonishing statement. American friends who still live in their hometown tend to confess that fact with a little shamefaced grin, as if to say, “I know, I’m so dull.” In Europe it’s a mark of success. Kudos to your family if successive generations have been wise, lucky, and stable enough to stay put rather than being forced to decamp by war, financial disaster, or an irate husband. An Egyptian once told me that Americans are restless neurotics because we all originated elsewhere and have no deep roots in the land. Žilina was the place my B&B host truly belonged; his roots there defined his life.

​​And his afterlife. Another shocker was that he felt comfortable mentioning his own demise. Few Americans would ever touch on the subject in such an offhand yet direct way. We employ euphemisms such as the genteel “passing away,” or slang terms such as “give up the ghost,” and “bite the dust,” or, more colorfully, “take a dirt nap,” or “screw the pooch.” And we really dance around any direct reference to our own death. We like to think “departing this world” happens to other people, not us, and we wouldn’t want to jinx ourselves by referring to it in casual conversation. I think Groucho Marx spoke for most Americans when he said, “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

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Groucho in his eighties.

​People all over the world – some 232 million of us –  are no longer living in the country of our birth, and the number is growing by leaps and bounds. In the years ahead, new expat neighbors are quite likely to push conversational hot buttons we don’t yet realize we have. But look on the brighter side. We’re likely to find out lots of things about them that we don’t know about the neighbors we have now: how much they’re paying in rent, their views on death, and most importantly of all, whether they prefer the Beatles or the Rolling Stones.
​
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11 Comments
Lindsay Quigley
8/14/2014 08:39:55 am

Hi Karen, recently read and thoroughly enjoyed your book "Dancing in the Fountain". I hope to be a near neighbour of yours in La Provincia de Cádiz in a holiday capacity initially then more or less full time in the next 10 years. Following on from questions that would seem rude in other places I would add to that list the Spanish need to know how old you are. Something we wouldn't ask in Scotland although we would have a damned good try at figuring it out even if the question remained silent.

Saludos.

Reply
Karen McCann
8/14/2014 08:50:35 am

I'm so glad you liked Dancing in the Fountain, Lindsay! And I hope your plans to transition to southern Spain work out as well as mine did. As you know, I love living abroad, especially in that part of the world. As for the age question, yes! I've gotten so used to hearing it that it almost seems normal to me, but certainly in the US we might spend hours speculating but we'd never, ever ask. Thanks for writing, and let me know how it goes with your visits/move to Cádiz!

Reply
Sarah
8/14/2014 10:47:00 am

Hi Karen,
Great post! I found your paragraph about those in other countries seeing "staying put" as a mark of success so true; however, I'm from the midwest U.S., and people here seem to be proud of their home towns, too. I don't necessarily see that as a good thing! These Americans seem to be less tolerant, more narrow-minded for never having seen what else is "out there!" For some reason, though, I don't think that those labels would apply to people in other countries you're talking about- do you? They seem so accepting, kind, curious, and giving... Just wondering about your thoughts on that one. =) (I know that wasn't the focus of your post, sorry!)

Reply
Karen McCann
8/18/2014 08:53:30 pm

You're right, Sarah, Midwesterners are proud of their home towns; I certainly saw that when I lived in Cleveland. Attitudes vary a lot, especially within a large country like the US. In any country, it seems that the port and border cities accept change more easily. People who work with foreigners are often far more open-minded, as they're exposed to different cultures on a regular basis. In the post, I made some pretty broad generalizations, but you'll find huge exceptions everywhere.

Reply
Duane Roggow
8/14/2014 12:00:11 pm

Talk about staying Put. . . . A few years ago we were staying in a pleasant little Zimmer across from the church in Oberrammagau, Germany. While checking out we were taking with the Owner/Manager who was a direct descendent of the original Owner/builder/manager. She apologized because their place was sooooo new, a mere 350 years old. Now that is sticktoitism.

Reply
Karen McCann
8/18/2014 08:55:56 pm

Yeah, 350 years hardly counts as old in some circles! A friend in Seville was telling me the other day about a church, and when I asked if it was old, he said oh no, it was new, from the 19th century. Coming from California, where anything pre WWII is considered ancient, I had to laugh. Different viewpoints!

Reply
Linda link
8/15/2014 04:32:47 am

This intrigued me, Karen. I've been bumping into you around the web for a couple of years at least, but didn't know where you came from (state, not country). Thinking about your first paragraph intrigues me most because the only place that I (English) have experienced those sorts of questions is in the US! I only have experience of the east coast from Florida to the Canadian border, but often found myself asked, for instance, "Is your watch a ****?" "How much did it cost?" "What rent do you pay in Spain/How much did your apartment cost?"

Regarding not moving out of one's area of birth (often a in "never"!) this happens on the Canary Islands all of the time. It can be frustrating and it can be endearing

Oh, and to the previous comment: I suspect the person in question was pulling your leg/being sarcastic!

Reply
Karen McCann
8/18/2014 09:03:33 pm

That's so funny you've gotten those questions, Linda, as I've generally had different experiences in the US. But it just goes to reinforce what I said to Sarah, above, about countries varying a lot. It's true that some Americans ask awkward questions, and some Spaniards wouldn't dream of it. As to the leg pulling, of course the person Duane talked with was teasing him a bit, but I know my Spanish friend was quite serious about a 19th century church being new. Different perspectives – which is want keeps the world interesting.

Reply
John link
9/9/2014 03:19:36 pm

Interesting post! The point about rent is funny to me, as I think I probably know what all of my friends pay in rent. People usually seem eager to say what they're paying for rent whether its high or low, at least here in the midwest.

Reply
Karen McCann
9/11/2014 11:20:07 am

This seems to be very regional. Here in CA, people seem to dance around the subject, speculating wildly about their friends but reluctant to spit out an actual number when it comes to talking about their own rent. It may be generational, too. I suspect things will continue to get more transparent over time.

Reply
david link
6/23/2022 06:15:03 pm

I'm a necomer to your blog, haaving discovered it only yesterday.

It's a pure delight (and a much-needed one, as nearly every blog I've read over the years has more or less turned into some "just between us girls!", transparent platform for selling stuff anyone could find on his/her own).

In any case, thank you, and I'll be reading this every morning. I gladly see that I have a lot of catching-up to do.

Sincerely,

David Terry
Hillsborough, NC

Reply



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