Hi, I'm Artificial Intelligence and I'm Here to Help You

Friendly toy robots from the 1980s; forerunners of the apocalypse?

Shocking news! I got attacked on the streets of San Francisco. The assailant was a big, badass pigeon with a menacing attitude and scarred feet attesting to a lifetime of street brawls.
 
It all happened so fast.
 
Rich and I had taken a long walk up Market Street, looking for signs of a dystopian hellscape, but failing to find even one unhoused person or scary moment. We paused for coffee, and I threw a few cashews from my trail mix to the pigeons pecking underfoot. When I stopped, Badass launched himself into the air and began flapping his wings violently in my face. It was my most alarming avian experience since Hitchcock’s The Birds. 

I now know just how Tippi Hedren felt filming this scene.

I yelled, the bird flew off, and I found myself — whew! — unharmed and still in possession of my trail mix.
 
Trying not to take the assault as an omen, I had to admit it suited the ominous theme of the day. Rich and I were on our way to Moscone Center where the AI Apocalypse Simulation was attempting to help businesses become “future-ready.”
 
“Participants will be briefed on a hypothetical future,” said the promo, “where advanced artificial intelligence systems have spiraled out of control, causing widespread chaos and threatening the very existence of humanity. From rogue autonomous robots to superintelligent AI algorithms, teams will delve into the various aspects of this dystopian future.” Next steps included analysis and (although this seemed rather overoptimistic) collaborative problem solving.

​Tickets were $1500 apiece and you won’t be surprised to hear that Rich and I did not enroll. But we did head over to Moscone Center in hopes of catching a glimpse of wild-eyed participants stampeding out the doors screaming, “It’s already too late! We’re doomed! Run for your lives!” Surprisingly, all seemed peaceful and serene. Whatever horrors were unfolding, they were happening behind closed doors.
 
Like most people these days, my sentiments towards robots — or as many now call them, our future overlords — are mixed. Artificial Intelligence is already streamlining technology, medicine, manufacturing, and other vital human endeavors. Yet every time I read phrases like “superintelligent autonomous robots” the hair on the back of my neck stands up.
 
In my ongoing efforts to adopt a more positive attitude toward AI, and to keep my finger on the pulse of the city, I’d decided to have lunch at San Francisco's last fully robotic eatery, the ramen stand Yo-Kai inside Metreon, a mall near Moscone Center.

​To get there, Rich and I strolled through Yerba Buena Gardens, where half a dozen unhoused residents dozed quietly on the grass, and a lot of ordinary citizens went about their day. So far we hadn’t witnessed any criminal activity or threatening behavior, unless you count the avian attack, which of course, I do.

A peaceful midday crowd at Yerba Buena gardens

I’d heard about Yo-Kai from our young nephew-in-law Brendan, who works in SF’s tech sector and was joining us for lunch and a discussion of human-machine relations. Unfortunately, when we rendezvoused at the mall, we discovered Yo-Kai had been terminated.

​“What a shame,” Rich said. “I’ve never had ramen.” Brendan and I stared at him. How does anyone get through college and a long career without late-night noodles? Luckily Brenden knew of a great ramen place nearby, so off we went to Ippudo to introduce Rich to this classic comfort food.

​The ramen was heavenly, and while Rich blissed out over his Shiromaru Classic ($19), I asked Brendan about his job. “I am a senior front end engineer.” (I nodded, as if I knew what that meant). “We solve business problems with software. I use AI to write code more quickly. Sometimes it’s tempting to just accept its suggestions without thinking too much about it, which could lead to some quality issues.”
 
Familiar with the bloopers AI could achieve in something as simple as AutoCorrect, I could see his point.

After lunch, Brendan summoned one of Waymo’s driverless taxis. “They won’t stop anywhere illegal or dangerous,” he explained. “Which in the city is just about everywhere. It’s two blocks away. We need to be there within four minutes or it will take off.”
 
We hurried up the street to find a sleek white Jaguar waiting at the curb. When we drew near, door handles suddenly slid out of the sides. Inside, screens displayed our route and a disembodied voice provided details — in Spanish, as Brendan had programmed it to help him learn the language. Zipping along without a driver was ... surreal.

​As we rode, talk turned to AI art, and Brendan used his phone to produce images reflecting our day. As he typed, I heard him muttering “apocalypse, robots, ramen, Waymo…”
 

Image by Brendan Dugan and AI

“Spectcular,” I said. “But the lettering …?”
 
“Can’t be fixed. The lettering’s always gibberish.”
 
“And why is there an animal in the road?”
 
He grinned. “I mentioned a Jaguar, meaning the car. It took me literally.”
 
The ride took 15 minutes and cost $8. As we pulled over, the Jaguar reminded us to take our belongings. Evidently it had been listening to our conversation and felt conflicted, because now it spoke in English — but with a Spanish accent.

​We’d arrived at the Misalignment Museum, which explores the potential for AI to destabilize civilization if robots don’t learn about context, nuance, and human values. Among the disquieting exhibits is the Paperclip Embrace, a reference to the famous thought experiment in which AI is instructed to maximize paperclip production and while doing so eventually uses up all the planet’s natural resources, including humans.

The Paperclip Embrace is composed of 15,000 paperclips.

 
​Nearby, a whimsical sign apologizes, “Sorry for killing most of humanity.”
 
As a writer, it struck me as wildly ironic (and more than a little terrifying) to think the entire human race could be destroyed by poorly-worded instructions. Proofread carefully, folks!
 
And then there’s AI’s tendency to make stuff up. Last year attorney Steven Schwartz was aghast to discover his legal arguments were based on six cases invented by ChatGPT, with false names, fake docket numbers, and fabricated details. Schwartz was fined and lost the case, but there was no way to bring ChatGPT to justice.

​​However error-prone AI may be, it’s booming. According to industry insiders, by 2030 it’s likely to be a $15.7 trillion industry. No wonder so many believe AI is already saving San Francisco.

Worldwide, experts predict that over the next six years 800 million human jobs will be eliminated. As perspective on that worrying thought, ChatGPT offered this: “While there are risks and challenges associated with AI development, it is possible to harness the benefits of AI while mitigating potential risks.” Great! How? “Through responsible development, ethical governance, and collaborative efforts to ensure that AI serves the common good.”

​So all we need to do is control corporate greed, elect ethical politicians, and find a way for humanity work together in harmony. Easy-peasy!
​

At the Misalignment Museum, cans of Spam produce email spam — another horror of modern times.

​Before I could spiral down into my own little doom loop over this, Rich said, “Isn’t it great that driverless cars and Waymo taxis will be everywhere by the time they want to take away our car keys? Just think of all the people trapped at home who can finally move around freely!”
 
He’s right, there are lots of benefits to come. And I’m going to embrace them all. (Yes, I am!) But enough about me. How’s your relationship with AI going? Are you feeling future-ready yet? Let me know in the comments below.

Click the link below for an interactive version of this map:
​www.google.com/maps/d/u/0/edit?mid=1DEC_Bcrgh3JjRBnVR-GaJU-DmAp37DY&usp=sharing


​This is the third in my new series
OUT TO LUNCH IN SAN FRANCISCO

My goal is to discover cheap and cheerful eateries in some of San Francisco's most colorful neighborhoods while I check out what's really going on in this zany town. Are we in a doom loop? Already on the rebound? Still fabulous? Stay tuned! These and other questions will be explored in upcoming posts.

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