 Rich is busy building us a food locker while I'm working out an appropriate menu to sustain us through future catastrophes. So this is it, I thought, I really have sunk to the bottom. Aloud I said, “So tell me more about your grandmother’s Spam recipe.” If you’ve never tasted Spam, it’s a cheap canned pork product using unpopular parts of the pig processed into salty lunchmeat. In WWII the US army fed it to soldiers, who dubbed it "ham that didn't pass its physical" and "meatloaf without basic training." When I first encountered it in college, I thought it was the most ghastly food I’d ever eaten. Eventually it became a slang term for something equally unpalatable: junk email. “My grandmother used to fry Spam and put molasses on it,” my sister-in-law Deb reminisced fondly. “She called it ‘spackle.’” Repressing a shudder, I made a note to pick up some Spam and try it.  Monty Python's Spam sketch, first aired in 1970 and reprised here in 2014, featured endless repetitions of the word Spam, inspiring its use as a nickname for ubiquitous, unwanted junk emails. No, I haven’t completely lost my sanity or my taste for Mediterranean comfort food. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I am following official directives to stockpile emergency provisions. The immediate threat is California’s wildfire season. Last year, the utility company PG&E began shutting down parts of our electric grid when hot, dry, windy conditions made fires likely. We typically get 8,325 fires a year, destroying 1,126,318 acres, and PG&E has been responsible for some of the worst disasters — including the 2018 Camp Fire. The legal fallout from that one caused PG&E to declare bankruptcy and plead guilty to 84 felony counts of involuntary manslaughter. They are, to say the least, anxious not to repeat their mistakes. In a recent text, they reminded us fire-preventive outages are coming, so it would behoove us to stockpile provisions for two weeks. This being 2020, I have no doubt emergency supplies will come in handy. The problem is where to put them when I can barely fit everyday groceries into my modest cupboards. A food locker seemed the best answer. Rich, who is in his glory wielding power tools and manhandling lumber, ordered a kit for constructing a cedar garden shed small enough to squeeze into the skinny space between our house and the neighbor’s fence.  Armed and dangerous As I mentioned in an earlier post, we dubbed it the Armageddon Food Locker or Apocalypse Chow. The manufacturer calls it a “garden chalet” — a grandiose term for a space two feet by four feet by six. In the online comments, one purchaser complained inferior instructions caused her husband to spend six whole hours on the assembly. “You’ll probably do it in half the time,” I told Rich encouragingly. Construction has now reached day five and Rich has completed 14 of the 39 steps required for assembly. Every morning the breakfast table is strewn with power tools, brackets, and stray screws as Rich drinks his coffee and glares at the instruction booklet. People keep asking what we’re going to put into the chalet, and that’s where I come in. I’ve been reading such articles as 14 foods to keep in your bunker to survive the apocalypse and The 11 Best Survival Food Companies of 2020. If you’ve never cruised these murky culinary backwaters, you're usually looking at large plastic tubs filled with freeze-dried packets of such dubious fare as Textured Vegetable Protein Stroganoff and Strawberry Flavored Creamy Wheat cereal. Costco currently offers a two-person 18-month supply of freeze-dried food at for $4,499.99 — a thrifty $124.99 per person per month. The contents, said to last up to 25 years, are somehow 100% vegetarian while including “chicken and rice soup.” I suppose in an apocalypse, all bets are off and chicken may be reclassified as a vegetable.  What does an 18-month supply of freeze-dried food look like? It fits in 36 buckets, each holding 300 servings. Shopping for more modest quantities? Wired’s reviewer Matt Jancer says you’ll find freeze-dried packets “are expensive and unhealthy. For a pouch that'll supply you with 300-600 calories, expect to pay around $8. For one that supplies around 800 calories, you're looking at $13 or so. That's per meal. You don't need a calculator to know that adds up fast. Dehydrated food is also stuffed with salt. A single serving often has 30 to 40 percent of an entire day's recommended level of sodium. But one serving usually isn't enough to make a meal, so you'll inevitably eat both servings. In just one meal, you've almost hit your daily sodium target… that much sodium in your diet, day after day, is going to raise your blood pressure and make you feel like junk.” “I guess this stuff would be better than having to subsist on squirrels we hunt down and kill ourselves,” I said to Rich. “But only just. Remember the freeze-dried rice?” Returning from Spain in May, we’d discovered some freeze-dried rice left behind by a young nephew who’d recently self-quarantined in our house. I hadn’t eaten instant rice in decades, and in a spirit of scientific inquiry, I nuked some for lunch. The texture was limp and soggy, the flavor bland, the nutritional content negligible. I put down my fork, saying, “Is it even food? It feels like it's leeching sustenance right out of my body.”  I know astronauts survive on this stuff; here's a meal served on the Space Shuttle. But who wants to eat like this on Earth if they don't have to? Long story short, I’ve nixed the freeze-dried products and am looking at actual food. Here’s my list so far.
Shopping starts when Rich finishes the chalet. I’m figuring late September; he says by Sunday. Place your bets in the comments below. As I stock up, I’ll check the site Eat By Date for advice on what sell-by dates to take seriously and which I can safely ignore. For instance, they say dried pasta is fine for an extra year or two and honey stays good “approximately forever.” With the ingredients on my list, I can make Irish soda bread, grilled chocolate sandwiches, and an old favorite from my impoverished twenties, green bean casserole; I cooked up some this week and found it still delivers a solid portion of culinary comfort.  This classic casserole combines canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and half a can of crispy fried onions. Nothing gourmet about it, but good eating nonetheless. As for Spam, “Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve fried it,” says their website. Today I tried it, and yes, it is better when it's fried and covered with molasses (isn’t everything?). But with all due respect to Deb’s grandmother, spackle is still not delicious and/or healthy enough to make my emergency provisions short list.  Even fried and covered in molasses, it's still Spam. I know lots of people love it, I just don't happen to be one of them. Even in desperate times — perhaps especially in desperate times — food should be an occasion of shared joy. If I learned anything from last year’s Mediterranean Comfort Food Tour, it’s that eating well is worth time and effort because it connects us to the present moment and to our companions in ways that nourish the soul as well as the body. As we all make the hard adjustments demanded by the new world disorder, meals can serve as a touchstone, reminding us life is worth living and that we’re better together. Omar Khayyam wrote, “A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou beside me singing in the wilderness... paradise enough.” Add chocolate to that list and I think he might be on to something. Got any suggestions for my emergency supplies shopping list? Know any recipes using nothing but nonperishable ingredients? Have an opinion on if/when the food locker will be completed? Let me know in the comments below. YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY Want more survival tips and perspectives on our loony times? Just let me know where to send them. Can't wait? I post more or less daily on Facebook.  8/13/2020 05:22:05 pm
It's always good to have emergency supplies! Good on you for doing this. My only concern would be for it getting too hot in there. Even canned food doesn't do too well with sustained high temperatures. We used to keep emergency supplies in a rolling trash can in our garage and after a couple of years I would inevitability find cans that has gone bad (distended tops or bottoms, a clear sign). I know no longer keep food out there like that.
Karen McCann
8/13/2020 05:58:15 pm
Cristina, I have the same concern about the supplies in the heat. Luckily our part of CA has mild temperatures most of the time, and there's a bit of shade from the trees, but still, stuff could go bad. I've been thinking of treating it more like a pantry than a food locker, rotating the stuff out and replacing it often. For instance, when I run low on flour in the house, I'll buy more, take the bag of flour from the shed, and replace it with the new flour I've just purchased. That way I don't need to invest in stuff with a 30-year shelf life, I can just use ordinary groceries — which are cheaper and usually taste better. I'll let you know if this approach turns out to be practical.
Kristina Johnson
8/13/2020 06:07:32 pm
BTW, the 30 year stuff I bought is all "regular" food; beans, rice, sugar, some dehydrated vegetables, etc, it's just in the way it's sealed to make it last longer. These are all "#10" cans like you'd see in a restaurant supply store. It's not pre-made food like those buckets. The only advantage is that I don't have to worry about rotating it all the time. With other supplies, I do what you are planning, rotating them in and out of my regular groceries.
Kim Day
8/13/2020 05:27:18 pm
I am a huge fan of black beans as well as lentils.
Karen McCann
8/13/2020 06:05:47 pm
Black beans are my go-to legumes. I used to make lentil soup all the time, and after about 15 years Rich finally told me he didn't want to hurt my feelings but actually hated lentils. So lentils are permanently off my shopping list! As for the "Any Wine Will Do," Kim, I figure in these crazy times, copious quantities are a basic survival strategy. Cheers, my friend!
Hello couple!!
Karen McCann
8/13/2020 06:12:00 pm
Ah, Pepe, how I wish I could include a proper Spanish jamón in my emergency supplies. I think we could happily live off one practically forever, and my doctor in Seville says it's good for reducing cholesterol, too. I will see what I can do about mojama and salt cod. As for the Spam, Rich thinks we should include a couple of cans; I'd rather store more chocolate. The debate continues.
Catherine Hutchison
8/13/2020 06:52:52 pm
I haven’t eaten much spam but had my fair share of Vienna Sausage and baloney in my childhood. I believe they all come from the same vat at the pig plant. The only way I eat either now is as a Memphis specialty, barbecued baloney. It’s not bad but it’d rather have barbecue without the baloney. True Q chefs have this delicacy as part of their playbook. If you are forced to go with spam at any time add some bbq sauce.
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 03:07:17 am
Spam with BBQ sauce. Hmmm, it just might work — if you had a LOT of sauce. But I'm hoping to avoid all the stuff that comes out of that vat in the pig plant, and am shopping for more palatable protein like tuna, salmon, and peanut butter. I hope you're right and Rich gets that shed made sooner rather than later. I will buy him a bottle of Midnight Train, Catherine, and see if that inspires him! 8/13/2020 06:57:46 pm
Hi Karen, love your stuff and I've been following you since before the Apocalypse hit! I'd like to contact you for a feature interview in my Everyday Heroes podcasts.
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 01:31:12 am
Hi Bert! I'm familiar with your work and interested to learn more about the Everyday Heroes podcasts you're launching this month. As travel writers, you and I are both refocusing our work to reflect new realities. One thing about the pandemic; we'll never run out of stuff to write about. Please send me the details about the podcast at [email protected]. By the way, I just learned you live in Petaluma — just a little north of us here in Marin — and you're probably getting all the same notices about prepping for fire season. Never a dull moment in this part of CA! 8/13/2020 06:58:37 pm
Oh my Lord Karen this is so hilarious. But can anyone who's lived in Europe possibly consider Spam? Plus, I don't get the point of storing food for a wildfire. You have to leave quickly, then everything burns up, including your Spam,. Give me a good hurricane any day (we're on the east coast), fires terrify me. At least we can come back afterwards and fire up the gas grill. Bon courage.
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 01:40:42 am
We considered Spam only to scratch it off our list, Lynn. Compared to Mediterranean food ... well, there is no comparison. We're hoping never to have to stoop to such uncivilized fare, even in dire emergencies. You're right, of course, about fleeing wildfires; food lockers don't do you much good then. But what's on the immediate horizon for us is the utility company shutting off the area's electricity to avoid accidents, such as a power line going down in the high winds and a spark setting off a blaze. So we're not (I hope!) in danger of having to flee a fire, but we almost certainly will be without power for days or weeks at a time, probably several times over the next few months. Keeping grocery stores open can be difficult, and we're being urged to stock up on food that doesn't need to be refrigerated, just in case. Just about the time wildfire season ends, it's the beginning of flood season, with more potential outages and greater likelihood of evacuations. So it's never a dull moment around here!
Phyllis
8/13/2020 10:38:56 pm
I'd also have an issue with heat affecting important items like chocolate chips! And if this effort is in case of a PG&E power loss, how exactly would you be baking bread? You can do a lot with a grill or camp stove, but bake..?
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 01:47:34 am
Like you, Phyllis, I was worried about storing chocolate. I did a small test in my original emergency kit, packed two years ago and unpacked two weeks ago. The Lindt dark chocolate with orange had turned beige and tasteless, while the Ghirardelli dark chocolate sea salt caramel bar, a year past its sell-by date, was perfectly preserved and utterly delicious. Guess which kind is going in the food locker. Obviously similar scientific study will have to be done on various kinds of chocolate chips. As for how we're cooking and baking, we have just purchased a small solar generator; it is supposed to arrive today. It won't do the whole house, but supposedly we can do some cooking; we're still working out the details. I'll keep you posted!
Phyllis
8/17/2020 04:01:59 pm
Interesting results of your taste testing. Sounds like you are on top of things. I think of you whenever the news tells of your fires. Stay safe.
KIM DE GONZALEZ
8/14/2020 09:25:47 am
I just took a photo of my husband holding the enormous tuna cans available at Mercadona. Now there's something that would last awhile! But you'd need to have an arsenal of recipes beyond tuna casserole and ensaladilla rusa. We are just beginning to explore the myriad of canned and jarred foodstuffs of Spain. And it has crossed my mind to start stockpiling our favorites for the uncertain fall and winter. I would also be concerned about storing chocolate in your shed. We grabbed 3 bars of dark at Blat Market, a convenience store right around the corner, and they had all turned pale and dry even though not expired. GuessIGuess try using them up in baked goods
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 02:43:09 am
I have seen those giant Mercadona tins of tuna and I agree, Kim, it would be difficult to use up that much unless you were cooking for an army! But in ordinary sized cans, tuna is one of the best staples to have around, The kind I buy comes from Genoa, Italy, a city I have fond memories of, so I reminisce happily every time I open a can of it. As for chocolate, my informal testing shows that there's a big difference between brands. After two years in an emergency kit in my shed, my Ghirardelli dark chocolate sea salt caramel bar was in perfect condition, while the Lindt bar (which I thought was better quality) was useless even for baking. Since 2020 is such an unpredictable year, I think it's wise to figure out what will sustain you through emergencies, whatever they turn out to be. 8/14/2020 04:43:33 pm
Tip for the flour. Freeze for 24 hours to kill off meal bugs before storage. (Goes for rice, pasta and other cereal products) I have also seen recommendation to strew bay leaves on shelves, but haven't tried it myself.
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 02:51:42 am
Thanks for the tips about freezing the flour, pasta, and rice, Vera. I'd not heard that and it seems a sensible precaution. I checked on the bay leaves, and yes, they're great for keeping away insects such as ants (always a problem around here), cockroaches, and flies. I just read that mint is also good for repelling ants, as well as keeping away mice and rats. I can see I'm going to have a very fragrant food locker! As for the mayo, yes, it will need refrigeration after opening. We have purchased a generator, and can use it to run a mini fridge, so I may buy small jars of mayo to use for specific meals and then try to finish off the jar quickly. I'm looking into egg substitutes; some advise powdered eggs, but I've never used them. Time to do more research!
Jeff Harding
8/15/2020 12:24:00 am
Love the piece, Karen! Regarding ideas, backpacking menu items might add some variety to your plates. I alway bring a wide variety of herbs and spices to the backcountry. Dried thyme, smoked paprika, saffron if you're daring. And sardines.....yum. Jar of olives perhaps? Sun dried tomoatoes? Farro? I eat well when I backpack.
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 03:00:37 am
Jeff, you know you and Kate are more than welcome at my table any time, with or without a blackout. Yes, having herbs and spices on hand is a great idea; it's the small delights that keep us going in dark times. Sardines, olives, and sun-dried tomatoes are staples in my kitchen; they call to mind leisurely meals in Mediterranean countries ... including some grand feasts with the two of you! In these uncertain times, it's comforting to know we can still count on the pleasures of the table to sustain our bodies and souls.
Faye
8/15/2020 02:46:17 am
I had never heard of spam until I got married and my husband introduced me to it. We were poor and it was cheap. Except for the sodium content and fat, I didn’t find it too bad. And I was nice and skinny then! I pretty much would have to be starving to eat it now. I have to admit though when I see it frying In that skillet in a commercial, it looks delicious!
Karen McCann
8/15/2020 02:48:37 pm
I hope and pray we never get so hungry Spam starts looking good, but considering how 2020 has gone so far, I'm not ruling out any possibilities, Faye. Rich's progress on the food locker slowed to a halt yesterday when temperatures hit triple digits and it was just too hot to work outside. So it was particularly ironic that we had our first power outage last night. Right away we sprang into action, opening beers and making guacamole. And shifting ice buckets from the freezer to the fridge to keep food cold. Power has been restored and Rich is extra motivated to get back to work, but we have another sizzling day ahead, so we'll see how far he gets. As you say, it'll be done when it's done!
Kitty
8/18/2020 09:16:09 pm
Rich, I hope you are finished. I am a little confused about how much of your food needs to be cooked. What if your gas is off? I had to throw away everything in my fridge and freezer after 3 days. Last year my electricity was off but over by the high school a tennis club burned down due a PGE pole. I used my car to charge my cell for info which wasn't correct. I packed my car one time too and left out of the garage.
Karen McCann
8/20/2020 04:23:03 pm
Thrilled to report Rich has finished the food locker, Kitty! Yes, some of the food going into it needs to be cooked. So far we haven't lost gas, so we're still able to use the stove (lighting burners with a match). And we've just purchased a small, solar-powered generator, so we may be able to get the oven going too; we're still figuring out just how much it can do. Of course, if the gas is out as well, we'll fall back on canned foods that don't need to be cooked. With so many disaster scenarios possible (fire, flood, earthquake, power outage, collapse of civilization as we know it) I'm shopping for a wide range of circumstances. So sorry you had to throw out so much food last summer! I've been worrying about that; see my next post for some clever tips I found for keeping your refrigerator and freezer colder longer. Comments are closed.
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